Those Phrases from A Father That Saved Us when I became a First-Time Father

"I think I was merely in survival mode for twelve months."

Former reality TV star Ryan Libbey thought he would to cope with the demands of fatherhood.

But the actual experience quickly turned out to be "completely different" to what he'd imagined.

Severe health issues around the birth saw his partner Louise hospitalised. Abruptly he was thrust into acting as her chief support while also taking care of their infant son Leo.

"I was doing all the nights, each diaper… each outing. The role of both parents," Ryan shared.

After eleven months he reached burnout. That was when a conversation with his own dad, on a bench in the park, that helped him see he required support.

The simple words "You aren't in a healthy space. You need some help. How can I help you?" created an opening for Ryan to talk openly, look for assistance and find a way back.

His experience is far from unique, but infrequently talked about. While society is now more accustomed to discussing the stress on moms and about PND, less is said about the difficulties new fathers encounter.

Asking for help is not weak to ask for help

Ryan thinks his difficulties are linked to a broader reluctance to open up between men, who continue to internalise harmful notions of masculinity.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the harbour wall that just gets smashed and stays upright with each wave."

"It is not a sign of being weak to ask for help. I was too slow to do that soon enough," he explains.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist who studies mental health pre and post childbirth, notes men often don't want to acknowledge they're having a hard time.

They can feel they are "not justified to be requesting help" - especially in front of a mother and child - but she highlights their mental well-being is vitally important to the household.

Ryan's chat with his dad gave him the chance to request a pause - going on a couple of days abroad, outside of the home environment, to get a fresh outlook.

He realised he had to make a change to pay attention to his and his partner's emotions as well as the practical tasks of looking after a newborn.

When he opened up to Louise, he realised he'd overlooked "what she needed" -reassuring touch and hearing her out.

Reparenting yourself'

That insight has reshaped how Ryan perceives being a dad.

He's now penning Leo regular notes about his experiences as a dad, which he aspires his son will see as he gets older.

Ryan believes these will help his son to more fully comprehend the language of emotional life and make sense of his approach to fatherhood.

The concept of "parenting yourself" is something musician Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since having his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

When he was young Stephen did not have stable male guidance. Despite having an "incredible" connection with his dad, profound trauma meant his father had difficulty managing and was "in and out" of his life, making difficult their relationship.

Stephen says suppressing emotions resulted in him make "terrible actions" when younger to modify how he felt, turning in drink and drugs as escapism from the pain.

"You gravitate to things that aren't helpful," he notes. "They can temporarily change how you are feeling, but they will in the end make things worse."

Advice for Coping as a New Dad

• Open up to someone - when you are swamped, confide in a friend, your other half or a counsellor how you're feeling. This can to reduce the stress and make you feel less alone.
• Keep up your interests - continue with the activities that helped you to feel like the person you were before the baby arrived. It could be exercising, meeting up with mates or playing video games.
• Pay attention to the physical health - a good diet, staying active and when you can, getting some sleep, all are important in how your mental state is coping.
• Spend time with other new dads - listening to their journeys, the messy ones, as well as the good ones, can help to put into perspective how you're experiencing things.
• Remember that requesting help does not mean you've failed - prioritising yourself is the optimal method you can look after your family.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen understandably found it hard to accept the death, having not spoken to him for a long time.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's determined not to "continue the chain" with his own son and instead give the stability and nurturing he did not receive.

When his son starts to have a outburst, for example, they try "shaking it out" together - processing the frustrations constructively.

The two men Ryan and Stephen explain they have become more balanced, healthier men because they confronted their struggles, altered how they communicate, and taught themselves to manage themselves for their sons.

"I am now more capable of… sitting with things and dealing with things," states Stephen.

"I wrote that in a letter to Leo the other week," Ryan says. "I wrote, sometimes I think my job is to teach and advise you on life, but the truth is, it's a two-way conversation. I'm learning as much as you are in this journey."